Fight your own battles
I went through a lot these last 8 years. Lost a lot of loved ones. Lost a lot of battles. Endured depression, sadness, chronic stress and a severe burnout. Went through different kinds of infections, illnesses, constantly. Went through psychological harassment. I was so tired of everything.
I just wanted to make everything stop, to give up. I had so much anger, shame, guilt in my heart...
I am not going to go into details, everybody has issues, I'll just sum it up. I lost my grandpa (mum side) when I was 14. From this day on, my dad has been angry at me and has been making my life a living hell and I have no idea why. It came to a point where one day he tried to hit me. Instead, my mum pushed him against a wall to protect me. My parents weren't getting along back then. That day, they seriously started thinking about a divorce. But didn't.
A year went on. I was dealing with fear everyday. Didn't want to be left alone at home, even less with only my dad. How does a 19 year-old girl defend herself against a +100kg tough angry guy? I was scared for my life. My safe place had become my nightmare. I had nightmare and panic attacks almost everyday but noone knew about it, I kept it hidden. And then I lost someone I considered a mother figure. I had started therapy 6 months earlier but those two following months... they just brought me back to my insecurities. So deep I had to go under medication.
But then I started wanting to kill myself... because of the drug that was supposed to help me. I immediately stopped the antidepressant because I wasn't recognizing myself. I was loosing myself to a point I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had never been that scared in my whole life, but now I was scared of myself!
I met my ex boyfriend a month later. I was doing better since stopping the antidepressant. He helped get through it... only to dump me a few month later and trying to hit me. We had separated by then, but had stayed friends. He took away something sacred to me: friendship, trust, compassion. Love. My health. This took me back to this horrible place... again.
Weirdly, right now, I am fine. I have been fine for months. I am doing so much better on my own than I did with a doctor and a psychologist. I guess we all have a specific timing, but above all, I learnt that if you want to be stronger, you need to learn how to fight alone. I always tried to use someone to help me get up to my feet, and there is nothing wrong with that, but you also need to know how to do it on your own. I was a survivor, I went through life always carried by someone else. I thought I was doing my best, but I really wasn't.
Instead, I had learnt to feel okay in my own desperation, in my own sadness. I was just waiting for a miracle to happen. Lemme tell you: I'm a Christian. I love my God, I love my Savior and he is the One who saved me every single time I needed to survive. But being fighter takes more than that. Being a fighter means having faith AND kicking your own butt and get things done once and for all. God is there to support you, to love you, you are the greatest thing He created, you are the apple of His eyes, His most gorgeous piece of art and His brightest star. But He isn't going to do things for you. You have to get them done by yourself. With His HELP, but if you stay there waiting for a miracle lemme tell you chances are it ain't gonna happen just like that.
My biggest miracle was the day my dad went to see my mum and apologized for everything. We still have issues, he ain't talking to me yet, but it's getting there. We are better. And since I became a fighter I am better too.
You aren't born a fighter, you become one. And being a fighter is not a one time thing, it is a life fight. Everyday, look at yourself in the mirror and you'll see the person you need to beat today. So you keep improving, growing, changing.